“Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?”

My life. Literally. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I’ve realized I’m really shy and anti-social/socially retarded. Like not when you actually get to know me, but always at first. I was at a white elephant party last night with my choir and out of the 56 people that were there, I pretty much just sat there alone with no one to talk to the whole night. And every time I tried to talk to someone the conversation would last about a minute or so and then I would go back to sitting alone. And Idk if this is just in my mind, but every time I talked to the certain people I thought were cool with me I felt like they were getting annoyed with me, so I just stopped. Everyone had their own cliques and I didn’t really seem to fit into any. It’s kind of sad that out of 56 people and the several cliques there are, I can’t seem to fit in. And either everyone is too oblivious to notice and try to include me into their conversation, or they just don’t care enough to. Not like I really expect them to anyways, but it’d be nice to be shown some compassion every once in awhile. Normally I’m fine with being alone, it doesn’t really bother me, but yesterday it just really got to me because I have been with this group that is supposed to be like a “family” to me as it seems to be to everyone else for quite awhile now, and I guess it is….just like my real family-the one I also feel left out of. But I obviously wanted it to be the more cliche version of a family…but as in most things in life, I have been disappointed. Well hopefully things get better at retreat like everyone says they will. Sorry for this long random rant and if you are in my choir and see this, sorry, It is not an attack on you or anyone in the choir personally…it’s more of an attack on myself because I can’t figure out how to fit in; maybe it’s because this is the first time I’ve ever actually cared to. 

Be Yourself.

I have always lived by a rule all my life which is to just be myself. As the saying goes, I much rather be hated for being myself, than to be loved for being someone I am not…I don’t think people really take this into consideration as much as they should. It’s sad to see so many people hiding a part of them that they are ashamed of because they are afraid that people will not like them. If someone doesn’t like you for all of you then they aren’t worth it. I feel bad for the people who pretend to be something they are not because you know what that tells the world? It tells me as well as everyone else that you are ashamed of yourself. You are not confident with who you are and you don’t have respect for yourself. This is the sad reality…so if you are someone who believes that you have a good self esteem but are hiding a part of yourself, in reality you actually don’t and you don’t even realize it. I hope that if any of you read this, this inspires you to want to be yourself and want to have self respect for yourself as well as love yourself for who you REALLY are. This includes anything ranging from personality traits you own to your sexuality. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Take a risk and put yourself out there. There will always be someone who loves you for who you are <3

My Own Autobiography :D

So Kelly has inspired me to write a really long autobiography about myself haha :P I usually just say “get to know me” on like facebook, but since this isn’t facebook, I feel a bit more at ease to blog about myself haha. I guess in a way this can help me vent some of my feelings from the past. Anyways, I would say my first and last name, but then you might be able to find out information about me I wouldn’t want you to know lol, but just know that my first name is Samara and I do not have a middle name.

Family Life: I have a father named Sheldon and a mother named Nancy. I have a really big family and a really weird one too. My mother and father are 24 years apart…yes I know that is a lot and yes I know my Dad could be mistaken for my grandpa…Get over it, I didn’t choose it lol. I love them both to death anyways. My father grew up in Brooklyn and my mother grew up in Mexico. Thus, I am half white and half Mexican. I have A LOT of uncles, aunts, and cousins on my mother’s side because she is one of 16 children…so I do have cousins and a niece that I am very close to. That’s another weird thing about my family…because my Dad is old and has had several wives, he has children that are also old and his grandchildren are my nieces and nephews, in which some are older than me and some younger. I, myself have 6 brothers and sisters. Three brothers named Chris, David, and Brian and three sisters named Nancy, Tiffany, and Juliana.  I also have a dog named Snowy <3.

I believe that I am generally a good person. I care deeply for people that I become close to and I think that is my biggest downfall. I will give up my health, sleep, time, etc. for any of the people I  deeply care about. I hate change but I realized that this is a flaw of mine and I need to fix it. I’m not really the type of girl who talks bad about people behind their backs nor tries to be mean to people purposely..that’s just messed up. I don’t understand how some people can be so cruel. I think people think I am intimidating and this is probably why I have had problems with people my whole life…people are automatically prone to judge me right off the bat before they even meet me. I don’t know what it is about “my look” but it’s given me problems pretty much since middle school. Trust me, if you actually get to know me, you will see that I am probably not what you expected at all. Every person that I have ever met that has actually talked to me and gotten to really know me after having like hated me for some time ends up realizing they were wrong and that I am actually a pretty cool person.  So if you are having doubts about me, just get to know me before you decide to hate automatically :P One thing about me is that I have always had a bad temper and it used to be a lot worse when I was younger and I would blow up in people’s faces when I was mad and it would get me into a lot of problems with friends, but now I am a lot better and will talk to people calmly and maturely when I have a problem with something. I think one thing that people should know about me is that no matter how much I pour myself out to you or how much you think you actually know me, the truth is, my thoughts are a lot more complex and deep inside me  than people realize.  So I guess that’s why I feel like no one really “gets me”…I mean I know I sound like a typical teenager…but it’s really hard to find someone who shares the same thoughts and ideas as me because I’m not usually the first one to bring it up. Also, I love to give advice…I used to want to be a psychologist when I was younger and it was always a hobby for me to give people advice and help them with their problems. I was always the friend to go to when you needed help. I still love to give people advice, but I don’t think a lot of people know that they can come to me for help, so not a lot of people do unfortunately.  I wish they would.

Random Facts: Favorite color is blue. My passions are singing, dancing, and acting. I am a black belt in Kenpo Karate. I am a super picky eater.

Guess it’s time for the “History Lesson” as Kelly puts it haha. Let’s get started:

I was born on May 18, 1994. Unlike Kelly, I had a full head of hair haha XD. My hair eventually grew down to my butt and I cut it in third grade…I am so depressed, which I would never have done that because now it takes forever to grow my hair out lol. I was born in West Covina and had lived in La Puente for 5 years of my life, then when I was 5, we moved to Huntington Beach. It was the worst experience for me as a kid…I would not stop crying because I loved our home and the friends I had at school. Anyways, now that I have had time to adjust, I am actually really glad we moved here.

Elementary Life: First and Second grade…all I can say is I met my best friend now in first grade and as for second grade…nothing significant. Third grade, I started Karate and Dance classes and I started to get more confident in myself because I was no longer some scared little girl anymore, but this had a downfall. I was kind of like Helga from “Hey Arnold” when I was in elementary. I was super mean to all boys, especially guys I liked. I guess I was just trying to hide that I liked people, so I would just be mean to all guys so it didn’t seem suspicious XD. That was probably very stupid of me because all the guys hated me LOL. Anyways I was mean back then…kinda vindictive at times and super annoying and I would hit people if they made me mad O_o. (See…bad temper). By the way, I had so many people call me annoying back then that it kind of has scarred me lol. Like I don’t care if people call me bad names or cuss me out, but the one thing that bothers me is when people call me annoying.  That is the ONE thing that can easily make me mad and I will not talk to you if you call me that. Sorry, so don’t do it unless you are trying to make me mad XD. Fourth grade was the year Miranda came back to my school and we reunited. Best thing to ever happen to me because if that hadn’t have happened we wouldn’t be best friends right now. I also found out that I could sing and that I liked it a lot (through Music class), so that’s how I got into that. Fifth grade, once again nothing significant. But the one thing that I must make evident is that all of elementary I had people calling me either ugly or fat. You have no idea how much this screwed my self esteem up. Not until last year was I ever confident with myself. I always put myself down and I never thought I was pretty. I even wrote a poem about it because I just wanted so badly to feel like I was worth something and that I was beautiful, but I would just cry because I never could. Words can hurt and people don’t realize how badly it can affect someone…Oh one last thing, I met this guy in elementary that I ended up liking for five years…yea, I am a creep XD.

Middle School Life: Must say right now. Worst three years of my life. I was chronically depressed for two years of my life because of the horrors of middle school. People hated me automatically. People would  literally call me poser and all these mean things without even having talked to me ONCE. I actually got hate letters from people over Myspace. Like wtf? Who does that? Once again, people thought I was ugly in middle school and would say crap behind my back like call me a “beast.” Wow people don’t get that words are hurtful lol. I had a lot of problems back then. I had a horrible self esteem, had so many people who hated me or talked crap about me, had my parents constantly fighting and almost getting a divorce like three times, problems with guys I liked, problems with friends who didn’t even understand what I was going through, nor had any real empathy. I mean now that I look back on it, I had some awesome friends, but I just didn’t appreciate them at the time. Anyways I pretty much went into a downward spiral of depression and started writing really depressing poetry and it got so bad to the point where I started thinking of….yea I don’t think I need to say it. I couldn’t take the hurt anymore so one day in eighth grade, I just pushed all out of my friends out of my life, cut everyone out because I didn’t want to go through pain anymore or be hurt. I had major trust issues back then. I regretted it for so long, but I recently realized that it is time for me to let go of my past and move on from the regret and memories. As for my love life, this guy that I liked so much that was my best guy friend at the time pretty much backstabbed me. This is why I said I am actually a caring and good person. Me and him talked all the time and he always came to me for advice…and he trusted me and my advice. So pretty much anything I would tell him, he would do because he knew it was the right thing to do. One day he told me about this girl that he liked and that she liked him back, he asked me what I thought, and even though I liked him so much, I wanted him to be happy, so I told him to go for her if it would make him happy. I am not a manipulative person and I didn’t do what some girls would have done and be like “oh no, not her, you’re too good for her” in an attempt to get him to like me.  I think the worst part about it all is that I know if I would have said something like that to make him think twice about dating her, he wouldn’t have, especially because I am pretty much the one who pushed them together and kept bugging him to ask her out. That was really dumb of me because after that he pretty much betrayed me and backstabbed me by telling her all my secrets when I specifically told him not to. I was so crushed and hurt and we stopped being friends after that. P.S. That girl started trying to start crap with me in 8th and 9th grade because in 8th grade she heard I liked him and then called me a “bitch” for it. Like wtf? without me you wouldn’t have even been together. Then in 9th i didn’t even like him, but she has security/self esteem issues so she got all paranoid and would try to start drama with me. Haha silly girl XD. Despite all that I went through in middle school, I have no real regrets anymore because I realize it made me such a stronger person. I don’t let words get to me like they used to and I know that I would never want to hurt someone the way I was hurt, so I watch what I say to people and about them because I know it can be hurtful.

Highschool:

9th grade- I had no friends except one. Then my one best friend met these other friends that she introduced me to. They all loved her but all hated me, yet once again, none of them had ever talked to me nor really gotten to  know me. Kind of sad that people do that…you miss out on getting to know some really great people that way. I ended up working it out with them and we are cool now, but Marina was such a clicky school that I had to get out of there because I knew I was doomed to be friendless, so I went to a new school that is 30 minutes away from me because Miranda moved away when I was in 6th grade to a new city. She goes to this new school so I went to be with her and my boyfriend at the time (who I met through her). Also, I had heard from her that the people where she lived were a lot nicer…I now realized that she was right haha. No offense to anyone who lives in HB if you are reading this, but so many people I have met in HB are mean…like genuinely mean people. I don’t know if it’s the water or what, but I am so glad that I no longer am in that school district. Best decision I ever made.

10th grade- Went to my new school. Met lots of new, cool, friendly people. Had a really great year. Joined the show choir and I absolutely adore it. I like it a lot better than APA (which I was attending in 9th grade at HBHS). This is the year that I actually started to have some self esteem. My ex friend Michael was sometimes a huge jerk to me last year, but he opened my eyes to a lot of things that I didn’t really realize. I guess that’s why I respect him so much. A lot of people may have hated him or disliked him, but there was something about him that I respected, so that’s why his friendship meant so much to me. Anyways, he pretty much told me one day “How can you expect someone to like you, if you can’t even like yourself?” This was a huge smack in the face. He was so right…I didn’t get why people never liked me, and it’s because I had no self esteem. If I couldn’t find reasons for why people should like me, why should anyone else? After that, I started looking at myself differently and finding stuff I liked about myself and now my self esteem is so much better than it used to be.  

11th grade- This year. It’s a bit stressful because of all the school work, but still having a good year overall. Still love choir. I sit with a new group of friends though because me and my ex boyfriend broke up during the summer and I lost one of my friends because of it. Michael. I miss them both at times, but there is nothing I can do about it now. Will wants nothing to do with me and is now a big jerk and Michael never really cared about me in the first place, that’s why I couldn’t be his friend anymore. Once again, I cared too much and I just couldn’t take being taken for granted. Also, this winter break, I went through an experience that is a little too long to describe right now, but basically I found myself chasing after a guy that wasn’t worth it, pretty much losing my dignity and pride for this loser. I realized after this that I needed to change because this was a reoccurring thing in my life. I always chase after people who don’t want me back and I can’t let go of the past, so I end up trying to hold on to people from my past that have already let go. I realized I need to just let go and have more self respect for myself by not chasing after people pathetically.

Current Life: Right now I think I have maybe two or three close friends at most. The sad part is I don’t know if a few of the people I’d consider close, also consider me close, so I guess I am going to have to stick with that I have three friends right now. (Zach is my new friend!) lol. I mean I have acquaintances and people I talk to, but only two friends that I can really talk to on a regular basis or that I ever hang out with outside of school. The thing about me is that I have always had trouble maintaining friends, so I guess I just gave up. I realized I kind of like being alone, I am okay with it, and to me, making a lot of friends isn’t as important as just have a few really good ones. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would love to have more friends, it’s just with me, I don’t just become friends with anyone. You have to have something special about you that makes me want to be friends with you and you also have to put an effort into being my friend. I hate being the one to put in all the effort, so I usually just don’t put in any at all to save myself the waste of time. I rather someone show me that they care first and want to be friends before I start put in effort also.  Also, a lot of people just don’t interest me. I mean as anti social and mean as that sounds, it’s the truth. Everyone just all seems so the same and so plain that I get bored easily. I want friends who can think for themselves and aren’t just mindless zombies following like a pack of sheep behind the society that leads them. Also, I have met so many mean people in my life, that I just don’t really believe in the goodness of human nature anymore. I guess I just assume you’ll hurt me, so you kind of have to prove me wrong before I give it my all.

Love life: I’ve kissed two boys in my entire life. The first was my first boyfriend that I had during the summer before going into 8th grade…we only went out for a week so I don’t really count it. My second was my most recent ex. We broke up a little over 6 months ago, but we had been going out for two years. This relationship changed me so much and it made me realize how much people can change in a course of two years. I broke up with him because he was no longer the person I fell for. He was such a jerk and would abuse me both emotionally and physically, so I had to end it . Anyways in this relationship I realized four very important things. One: a relationship has to be both give and take, without this, it will fail miserably. Two: In a relationship you must show respect for each other. I never had any real respect for Will…I think that’s why I never really liked him as much as I should have. Three: Don’t try to change someone that isn’t willing to change- it will not work out. If a guy isn’t what you want, just move on.  Four: No matter how long you go out with someone, they may not be who you think they are…I learned this the hard way.

As for my crushes, I haven’t had THAT many, but the ones I have had, were all major. When I fall for someone, I fall for them hard and I do not get over them easily at all. Let me tell you something. There was one guy that I liked in my life that made me feel what I lacked with Will. I will not say his name, but I will describe the feelings. I always felt super nervous around him and would get the worst butterflies. I would feel my heart like pounding out my chest. My cheeks would get hot whenever I was around him. I could not stop thinking about him. After I would talk to him, I would just think to myself “Ugh that was so stupid of me to say” and I would always get really nervous. When we would talk, I felt like it was just me and him and no one else around us. It all felt so surreal. I mean I know this all sounds so cheesy, but I just realized that I cannot ever go out with someone who doesn’t make me feel at least somewhat like this, because then it will turn out like my relationship with Will. No real chemistry.

Note on my self esteem: This had always been one of my biggest problems in life. Yet I want to say something different that bothers me so much. Okay, so I know that I have told you about how people would always call me ugly in elementary and middle school. Yea well by 8th grade, my looks started changing, and I guess I got “prettier” by some people’s standards. Then my looks changed more throughout high school and I got less ugly once again haha XD. So let me say this, before I tell you what bothers me, I am not saying I am some gorgeous person and I am in no way trying to be conceited, but I know that I am a lot better looking than I was back in my younger years lol.  But that’s not the point, the point is that other people started realizing this too. So HAH, funniest thing ever, guys actually started talking to me that I had never talked to me before. Guys who never  would have given me the time of day in elementary started leaving me myspace messages like “Hey I recently noticed that you got pretty hot.” Like wow, really? I don’t know if you know how much of jerk you sound like, but this is just pathetic. You are pretty much telling me “you used to be ugly, but now that you are good looking enough to talk to, I will hit on you an attempt to get you to blow me.”  Stupid boys. I had guys who had called me hideous and these horribly mean things in the past have the audacity to actually try to flirt with me. LOL. I would just play it off all nice because I am not going to cause drama. But really? Boys who do this are making fools of themselves. So advice to any guys and girls. Don’t ever call someone ugly or make fun of their looks or actually anything about them because you never know what they may be able to do for you later. For instance, let’s say you harass some person your whole life and they become rich and famous and then you are in the loss because they now have the ability to publicly humiliate you, while the people who stuck by them through the end are living it up in the good life. lol. and back to the looks thing, you never know when someone will all of a sudden blossom from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan, and you’ll be regretting calling them stuff because you now want to get with them :P

Anyways I am done with this autobio. It is way too long, but I figured you might as well know all the details about me (: 

Revelation

Hello People of Tumblr. I am blogging this because well, that’s the thing, this is a blog and I figure I might as well have text to, not just random pictures :P

I recently went through an experience this winter break that was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I mean if i told you what happened it would seem bad at first, but that’s the thing, i think challenges are put in front of you in life so you can grow stronger from it. This past week it was like God, himself, slapped me in the face saying, “you need some self respect.” It all hit me. I realized all these problems with me that I never even realized nor cared to change, but now that I see them all so clear, I want to change. For one, I realized that for some reason I have this weird obsession with the past and I hate change and am quite horrible of letting go of the past because I don’t want things to change. I am stuck in the past constantly and it’s hurting me because I can’t move on towards the future. Not only that, but I have become enveloped in an obsession with “the chase” as well because I can’t accept rejection. A normal person would say “screw him/her” if someone started treating them like crap, but for me it would become an obsession in which I was inclined to try to get them to accept me. I wouldn’t accept their dissaproval of me as an answer because exactly, i don’t take rejection so I would literally chase after people in friendships and relationships that weren’t even worth it. I used to be such a strong person and seemed to know all the answers to life, but some where along the road, I lost myself. I know it all sounds very cheesy, but I needed to express myself some way…I am not the same person I used to be. I will do anything it takes to get what I want even if it means losing my pride, dignity, and self respect. Instead of just moving on with my life and letting go of the people who weren’t worth my time, I just kept pushing and pushing until it ended causing drama. Haha, that’s the funniest thing about it all. I’ve heard time and time again that I was an over dramatic person and I never really got why people thought that, I always thought “nah, it’s their fault” but then I realized that my behavior is what causes the drama. Because I could never move on, I would just keep bugging people who had already moved on with their lives and they would get annoyed and it would eventually escalate into “drama.” But you know what? At least I realized all this now because I am finally done with it all. I will no longer chase after people who don’t want me and aren’t chasing me back and I will not lose my own self respect for anyone.